Communicating Tragic Events and Understanding Grief

Every child will react in a different way, and concerned adults-parents, teachers, and counselors must help them communicate and cope.

1) Reassure children about their personal safety. Help them understand that there are many thousands of people around the country who are trying to make sure that the country is safe.
2) Be aware of your own emotional reactions around your children. It is appropriate to share your feelings but you must also show your children that you are in control of your emotions.
3) Make an effort to talk to your children more than usual. It doesn't have to be about recent events. Talking about anything at all makes children feel connected to their parents and this in turn brings a sense of security.
4) Avoid directing your anger at the wrong people. Don't let children fall victim to the effects of prejudice and discrimination.
5) As adults, we wish we knew all the answers to our children's questions, but unfortunately, we don't always have answers to today's events. It is important to remember it is appropriate to say "I don't know" and reassure them with the answers you do know.
6) Let you child's questions dictate what you communicate about the events. Find out what the child really wants to know about the topic and what his or her fears are. Your answers should be simple and honest.
7) Reassure your children that they are safe at school and the adults there will care for them and protect them.
8) When your children share their thoughts and feelings that it is important to remind them that all thoughts and feelings are o.k.
9) Keep lines of communication open! Let the school know if a child is having a difficulty time coping.
10) Focus on the positive. There are still many good things happening in people's lives and it is important to highlight those significant events.
11) Seek help for you and your child when you need it. Please do not hesitate to contact your school counselor who can provide services and refer you to other professionals as needed.



What you can do to decrease a child's stress and anxiety:

•Keep to a child's regular schedule as much as possible.
•Plan an activity for your entire family so you and your family feel the strength of your family unity.
•If possible, postpone trips away from your children. Parental absence can lead to anxiety.
•Remain positive. Focus on what you can control and not what you can't.
•Encourage children to participate in helping activities like collecting food or clothing for those in need. . Helping others helps bring a sense of control and feeling that you can do something even when other events seem out of your control.
•Don't let children watch too much television. Hearing about the events over and over will increase anxiety.
•Empower your child with appropriate coping skills prior to a crisis.
•Have a family meeting to develop a family contact in an emergency situation.
•Foster a sense of tolerance and a sense of togetherness. Talk with your children about how others feel and how they can react appropriately to others' feelings.

It is important to interpret the stages loosely, and expect much individual variation. There is no neat progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, or stages can hit at the same time, or occur out of order. So why bother with stage models at all? Because they are a good general guide of what to expect. For example, generally, a long period of "depression" (not clinical depression), isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy strikes. It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later.


7 Stages of Grief
Outsiders do not understand this, and feel that it should be time for you to "get over it" and rejoin the land of the living. Just knowing that your desire to be alone with your sad reflections at this time is normal will help you deal with outside pressures. You are acting normally. They just don't "get it".

Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.